Two posts in one night!
On a less political note… You all may have noticed that the word count up there at the top of the page hasn’t even reached the 10,000 mark. I debated cheating, copying and pasting every word I’ve ever typed into one document… that got me to 19,814. (I hadn’t gone to my blog archives yet)then I copied it again and doubled the number to 39,628 and then I realized by cheating, I’m not really accomplishing anything except one Word file with everything in it.
There are gobs of excuses why I couldn’t write (I had no desk, and was working on a laptop with a faulty battery and all my stuff is on a server that isn’t up and running and November is sweeps month on TV) but I had so many more reasons why I SHOULD write. The day I spent writing with T & B at the coffee shop reminded me why I want to write. Unfortunately, this little contest with myself wasn’t able to propel my fat ass off the couch. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.
November usually is a time that sucks ass for me, and I’m sure it always will. It’s a hard month for so many reasons. But this month sucked less than it has in the past. And the holiday was a really good one for me this year, in spite of the raging migrane I began the day with.
Yo Master D’s friend is on a plane back to Poland this week, his Dad died. Words can not express the immense suck that happens when you lose a parent. And each time I hear that someone has lost somebody close to them, whether it is a parent, uncle, cousin or friend, I want so badly to say something that will make everything better, but no combination of words will ever make life better when you lose someone you love. If you’ve never lost someone close to you it’s hard to relate to. YMD is lucky, he can only imagine the pain. The only way I can think of to describe the pain is this…
When you lose someone that close to you it’s like you’ve been hit over the head with a sledgehammer, at first it hurts like a motherfucker. You can’t take it, you feel like you’re going to die as well, and the pain is so bad you WANT to die. But each day you go on, because you have to, it’s required. And each day that sledgehammer hits you again and again. After a while, you’re numb to the pain. The pain isn’t gone though, it doesn’t get better. It’s still there, it’s just not as killer as that first blow. As time goes on, you don’t notice it as much. But then one day, a smell or a song on the radio or that odd man down the street will remind you of the person you lost and WHAM, there it is again, that pain you thought had stopped reminds you that you’re going to have to live your life every day with a sledgehammer hitting you on the head. Some days are better than others. And some days you can remember the person without breaking down sobbing. You know though that your love for the people in your life is so strong, that’s the reason why the pain of loss is so great. If you hadn’t loved everyone so much, it wouldn’t hurt the way it does. It’s that love that keeps you going every day, to live your life as best you can as fully as you can and in a way that will make your loved ones proud.
I heard on some TV show that in some cultures each time you think of someone who has died they hear your thoughts up in Heaven. I find that reassuring, because that way, they all know how much I love them.
